I don't know if I have the energy to cry anymore. My coughing woke me up at 4 a.m., which then I spent an hour in the bathroom hacking up a lung. As a nurse and a mom of a 1 year old, the going never stops. I go until the pedal gets stuck and then I am forced to stop. Moments like this make me thank God hundreds and hundreds of times for my life. So, as I forced myself to get up out of bed and find some normal routine, I turned on the children's station where Hazel and I listen to songs and sing along to classics such as "Monkeys on the Bed", "De Colores", and "Five Little Ducks." One song came on and tears just started streaming down my already puffy, sick face.
Bumblebee The lyrics as follows,
I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee, Won't my mommy be so proud of me, I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee, Ouch! It stung me!
I'm squishing up the baby bumblebee, Won't my mommy be so proud of me, I'm squishing up a baby bumblebee, Ooh! It's yucky!
I'm wiping off the baby bumblebee, Won't my mommy be so proud of me, I'm wiping off the baby bumblebee, Now my mommy won't be mad at me!
I pictured that cute little boy coming home from school showing me the motions of the song and having the biggest smile on his face. Tears began to flow as I remembered how small my first born son, Dave was. Small but he already owned a big smile. Zach always says that he always brightens up the room. David says the same. He brings life to every party. We need a day or two to prepare for his entrance and two days later we are filled with joy with all the excitement he brings to us. For his 21st birthday we had the pleasure to celebrate it with him and his girlfriend, Kat. There was plenty of food for us at Snooze and later on we enjoyed homemade fried chicken with all the fixings that I prepared. On Thanksgiving day, he brought me a cup, but not just any old regular cup. It had the words Navy on it. He had prepared me the day before with his excitement on how he was officially going into the Navy. At that time I was still in shock. To be honest, I did not know what to say. He went on to tell me how he scored really high on his test and it placed him in a really good position: Aviation and Electronics, Electrical and Computer Systems Technician.I went on to tell him how I knew that I was going to be a Nurse because I also scored high on my exam. Something I knew nothing of.
No one in my family was a nurse.
No one in our family has ever served in the military.
My boy made a very wise decision. I am beyond proud of him. He told me that he didn't just want to spend the next years of his life being a server. He wanted so much more. And so much more is what he will find. He will find wisdom in the new places he visits, joy as well as pain, and He will find that this little boy who used to sing the Bumblebee song to me with so much joy will find much more joy in the world that he will pave for himself.
It's the day before my birthday and I'm listening to Bob Marley's, "Three little birds."
Don't worry about a thing 'Cause every little thing gonna be alright Singing' don't worry about a thing 'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Tomorrow I will be 38 years old. Tomorrow I will celebrate another day of life. Tomorrow I will give God thanks for my healing and guiding me through all the tough, unbearable events in my life. One event that recently almost ended my life was Postpartum Depression. In my previous blogs, I shared with you my experience with dealing with it and what has healed me. It's been a year and 4 months and I'm living a full and happy life. I have wanted to share more of my experience with it, but have not had the time or the energy to do so. Today I will share with you my experience during my hospitalization. It's a long read, so sit back, grab some coffee.
"Are you okay?" I looked up form my teared filled eyes and saw a woman looking a bit curious as to why I was crying. "Did something upset you?" I told her I was okay. Her response was a bit concerning as she said to me, "God Bless you."Three hours later I would sit in a professionals office with a doctor who looked exactly like the actor on the TV series, House. I would sit in his office and cry. No offer for a tissue. No, are you okay, and not even are you going to be okay? Instead I was told that I was a danger to myself and that I needed to be hospitalized. A frantic, "What?" spilled out of my mouth. More tears. I don't want to go to the hospital I said. What about my family? My new baby? No, I said. No, no, no.
No matter how much I cried and pleaded, the decision was already made up in his mind. I was going to the loony bin. Lord, I cried out in my head, "How did this happen?"I pleaded one more time and then looked straight at him and asked, "What is wrong with me?"Well, you have Postpartum Depression. You have a plan to end your life and I feel that for your safety that you need to be hospitalized.
There was nothing upsetting me, nothing that made me want to end my life. I just felt sad and the only solution in my head was to end my life. No matter how much I prayed, the thoughts overwhelmed me. They felt like a knife being jammed in my chest. It hurt to breathe. According to the laws and as my Psychologists duty to do no harm and protect me, it was my doctors legal obligation to send me to the hospital. If I had left that day and ran into traffic as I planned on doing, then he would have ruined my life as well as incurred many years of suffering for my family.
I needed help.
I was embarrassed that I was sick. I'm a Nurse. We don't get sick. We fight for our patients. We nurse them back to health. We are advocates for them. I was pleading for my life and I was afraid that it was in my hands and I wanted to end it.
First of all, no one is immune to anything. Postpartum depression happened to me. The nurses showed no compassion for me. I'm stating this because I don't know how they treat others, but I was never asked if I was okay. A simple, "How are you?" "Are you okay?" or a simple "Good Morning?" would have meant the world to me. I hadn't bathed in 2 days because they never gave me toiletries. I wore the same clothes for what seemed like eternity to me, but I managed to get along with my roommate and she kindly offered me some soap and shampoo. Having a bath after 2 days felt like heaven and I could feel my soul slowly come back to life. We all were herded up like cattle at 8am so we could take our medication. Not once was I informed of what I was taking or counseled on the side effects. Medication was another glimpse of hope. Even if it didn't help, I told myself I was going to get out of there.
"I'm not that sick." I'm not psychotic." Self talk. I needed that every minute of the day. I'm sure all the other Schizophrenic, Bipolar patients felt the same way I did. We never think we are sick. We walk around with pain. Some try to self medicate and end up far more worse. Some just try to put on the biggest smile thinking it will cover up what's inside. We are all hurting in some way. We just find ways to heal ourselves. I think I might have been the only one suffering from Postpartum depression. I needed to pump and I was taken into a room with full view windows and no blanket.I felt cold, exposed as tears ran down my face. "I can't do this." I'm going to quit breastfeeding Hazel. I cried even more. During my initial assessment when I was admitted I was told to take off my clothes and leave my bra and panties on. Inside I felt like screaming. Inside I felt like saying, "You are nurses, I'm a nurse too, bring me a fucking gown to cover my exposed skin. Nothing but coldness filled my body. I stood there numb. Speechless. I looked down at my protruding belly as they lifted it up to see my c-section.Cold hands touched my body. Cold hearts.
Now I wonder if those nurses who worked there were just stressed or was it that they really didn't know how to take care of those who are hurting. In nursing, it's easy to take care of a patient who is happy, pleasant and knowledgeable about his/her care. The hurting are messy. They look like a mess. They feel like a mess. They don't know what to say or they stay silent, screaming at the top of their lungs, some are heard, others are not. When I was discharged, the nurse slid an envelope on the counter and said, "your prescriptions are in there as well." Confusion again consumed me. Hurt. Anger. No one wished me well or offered a crisis number if I needed it. Did they know I was a Nurse and that I could figure it out myself? How many people did they do this to? Maybe it was just me. As I left the unit, I ran (I literally ran out) out the door and was greeted by my wonderful husband and kids. Hazel was in her car seat and when I looked at her I wanted to live. I felt free. I felt alive. And when I got home, grandpa cooked pork ribs with potato salad. I finally arrived.Update: I've been medication free for over a year now. I take a combination of vitamin b-12 and l methyfolate supplement. I did a combination of this and weekly therapy sessions for over a year. I also run daily and do Yoga 3 times a week. This combination has helped me. And I do believe in the power of prayer. I prayed for healing and God healed me.
Postpartum depression:
According to the Centers for Disease Control, 11 to 20% of women who give birth each year have postpartum depression symptoms. If you settled on an average of 15% of four million live births in the US annually, this would mean approximately 600,000 women get PPD each year in the United States alone.
If you or someone you know is suffering, please seek help. Call 911 if you have to. Just get help, please.
Hazel's favorite show is Daniel Tiger. She listens to the music frequently, and yes, I admit it too, she watches TV. Save all those studies and recommendations for someone else, because my child is going to watch TV no matter what the studies say. My mom sat me in front of the TV as young as 6 months. I'm not damaged. Or Am I? I'm little crazy I do admit, but I don't think Sesame Street or Fred Rogers were to blame.
Which brings me to why I like the lyrics to the song. Friends help each other. Yes they do.
Friends make doing things so much better, so much more fun. Before my year long battle with postpartum depression, I would frequently make time for friends.
Lunch dates were filled with encouraging words for each other.
Runs were much more fun when a friend could join me.
During my depression, I isolated myself from others and the lunch dates I used to have with friends were replaced with weekly therapy sessions. My heart is still filled with so much love for those of my friends who took time out to encourage me, to pray for me and to hear my crazy stories of my adventures in nursing. My healing could of not happened if I didn't have the support of my friends. Which brings me to today.
Today, my friend Tara and I ran the Firecracker 5k in Lago Vista. Honestly, I love running, but races were not my thing. I did a couple of races in my time, but I just never wanted to get up at 4am in the morning to prepare myself for a run. Running alone brings me peace. Racing makes me anxious and fear tends to settle in days before the run. But today was different. I told myself that I couldn't let Tara down and that I needed to do this for myself as well. A few months back, I told myself that I would step out of my comfort zone and enroll in several races this year. Well, I did it.
Shout out to David and the kids for getting up so early to come. Zachary, the photographer of course, I love you guys!! Congrats Tara on beating your previous time!! Way to go, girl!!! And thanks for signing us up for the race.
1st race 2017
Firecracker 5k 30.58 time. And of course, I took my shoes off mid race because it was really hot.
If you didn't already know what my favorite food is.
Warm up session before race
I know Tara is thinking, "What did I get myself into?"
Let me first start off by saying this, and I'm making this pretty clear before I write anything.
There is no cure for depression. But you sure as hell can fight it.
If you've been diagnosed with clinical depression, you will be offered an antidepressant. There are many choices: Zoloft, Paxil, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Lexapro and many more that I chose not to list. If you decide to take anyone of these, please be aware of the side effects and the long term effects of these medications. I am not against antidepressants. They can be life saving for some people who are severely depressed. I suffer from major depressive disorder/postpartum depression. You can suffer from mild depression, but if the depression lasts more than 2 years it is considered major depressive disorder.
If you are suicidal with thoughts of harming yourself and you have a plan, please seek medical attention. Call 911, call the Austin Crisis Center. There are several. Let me list them for you.
Austin Integral Crisis Hotline: 512-472-HELP (4357) Toll free 1-844-398-8252
Location: 56 East Avenue, Austin, Texas 78701 You can go directly to this building and get seen by a mental health professional. Hours are Monday-Friday 8am-10pm and Saturday and Sunday 10am-8pm
BlueBonnet Trails Community 24 hour crisis hotline 1-800-841-1255
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 There is an option for an online chat at suicidepreventionlifeline.org
There is someone that is always willing to listen. Sometimes we think we may be alone. Our brain tricks us into thinking that we are better off dead, but those are lies. There are days when the darkness may seem unbearable. Try to look at the good things in your life. I know when I look at my family, my kids, my husband, those feelings of being a failure disappear. Your family loves you and needs you.
Depression. What is it and why do I suffer from it? I've asked this question to myself many years ago when the tiredness came and never went away. It stayed for weeks at a time. I did everything I could to make it disappear. I ate healthy. I ran. I even changed my eating habits and went gluten free. I juiced. I went vegan for a short time. I tried just about everything.
I prayed everyday that God would take it away from me. Later on I read that Paul, an apostle of the Lord Jesus suffered depression. Paul who had his share of sufferings and anguish, was still found rejoicing. His hope was in the Lord Jesus. If Paul who was a servant of the Lord didn't get healed from his depression, then why would he heal me? I realize that in this world we will have many tribulations and suffering, but that our Hope is in the Lord Jesus.
So, what about religion? What does that have to do with depression?
Religion is what saved me. Religion is what continues to save me. Having a connection with God makes me have hope in something. Having a support system of church members can be beneficial when you are having those bad days. Going to church, listening to the music is uplifting. Prayer and reading the Bible everyday has helped me see that I'm not alone in my suffering. As I mentioned above, Paul suffered many mental health issues and there are many more recordings of suffering in the Bible. Another example is Job.
Lovegodgreatly.com has individual or group online bible studies. May 1st will be the beginning of a series of 4-6 weeks on the study of Ruth.
So I've also talked extensively on how running has helped me. I'm also going to list a few supplements as well.
One of the supplements I take is because I have a Mthfr gene mutation that was detected before the birth of my 4th child Hazel. There is an estimated 30-50% of the human population that has this genetic deficiency and doesn't even know it. The fetal maternal specialist that was caring for me during my pregnancy tested me for this because of the difficult pregnancies I had with Zach and Emily. I also was found to have a blood clotting disorder as well.
You can read more about it here. It's too much information to blog about. If you suspect you have it, ask your doctor to test you.
I take the Junior version because of the taste. They are available in lemon and berry.
Gluten-Free Diet
A gluten-free diet is a diet that excluded the protein gluten. Gluten is found in grains such as wheat, barley, rye and a cross between wheat and rye called triticale.
A gluten-free diet isn't for everyone. It is used primarily to treat celiac disease. Gluten causes inflammation in the small intestines of people with this disease.
I do not have celiac disease. My primary reason for this diet is to help reduce the inflammation in my body that comes from my Mthfr gene mutation that makes it difficult for my body to detoxify. There are many benefits such that I have experienced, reduction in headaches, bloating and reducing my fatigue. My children also benefit from this diet as well. Emily suffers from eczema and it has greatly reduced the number of breakouts she has had over the last 9 years.
Be aware that starting a gluten-free diet, that you may lack some minerals and vitamins that come from gluten. Start off by eliminating one item and then see if it has any benefits to your health. I mentioned my gluten-free diet to a nurse who was suffering from migraine headaches. A week later, after eliminating bread (she was a big bread eater), her migraine headaches disappeared.
Rest
Yes, I said it. REST. There will be days when you don't want to get up and the fatigue starts to creep in. Give yourself a day of rest. We are not robots. We need a day off.
Hobbies
Sewing has been my passion. Find something that interests you. Take a class. I offer free sewing classes at the Leander Public Library. Come join me!
Friends/Support System
It's better with two. Invite a friend out for lunch. What about a play date with your kiddos? I know it can be difficult when you suffer from anxiety as well. Friends help each other. Friends make the world a better place.
Therapy
What? I'm not crazy!!! Who needs a therapist? I don't need someone to talk to, I have my kids, my husband. I have God.
Yup, this was me. I completed a year of therapy and it saved my life. Talking to someone that doesn't see you but only once a week helps you to open up about any stressors you might be having. I talk to David ( my husband) all the time. But when I opened up to my therapist it was different, she had a different perspective and she was able to help navigate me through the difficult times in my life.
So, there you go!! Go out there and make a difference in this world. Most of the people that I have encountered that suffer from depression are so awesome that you wouldn't even know that they suffer from it unless they open up and tell you. Let us support each other. Mental health has such a bad stigma that if you say you are depressed you are considered weak. I am not a weak person. I am the strongest person you will ever meet. Don't look down on others who suffer. And when someone is going through a hard day/moment, pray for them. Offer your time and have lunch with them.
One of my favorite songs about depression.
With God's Love Always, Eat Organic, Eat Gluten-Free, Jennifer
Last night I went to bed feeling bad about my weight. In my head I tried to figure out all the ways I would lose the last 30 pounds that my body has absorbed since the birth of Hazel. No matter how many miles I run, no matter how healthy I eat, my body is stuck and it will not let me back into my size 4 jeans that would curve my small, tiny body. Instead, my body is a size 10. It has curves that never existed before, it also did not have a small tiny scar below my navel that would remind me that this last pregnancy was one that almost killed me. My body won't squeeze into a size 8, no matter how hard I try. And yes, that dress was so adorable, and yes it would have been great to wear, but no matter what, it did not fit. End of story.
Today my body would not wake up. It simply was not going to function today. I so desperately wanted to go to church today. No seeing the kids wave Palm branches into the air, no Easter egg hunt for Hazel, no going out to eat after wards. No perfect day for me. Instead my mind fought with my body to just get up. I could hear God tell me that he loves me no matter what and that my life matters. When the pain comes, it consumes not only your body, but your mind. It reminds you of all your past failures. It's there to tell you that you are better off dead. Then, I hear God again reminding me how much I matter and that he loves me. I am then consumed with a peace that makes me get out of bed. The sickness I feel makes me want to just sleep. It makes you want to forget about the world. It tells you to sleep. It commands it of you. It doesn't care if you're having a great couple of weeks or months. It comes when it wants to. It sneaks up on you.
Today I did not let the sickness consume me. I will not lose this battle. I will get up and run. And running is what I did. I ran until the thoughts no longer consumed me. I ran until my legs hurt. I ran with Clutch blazing in my ears. I run because my life depends on it. I then came home to my beautiful family and was reminded again for the millionth time that I am blessed beyond measure.
Emily and I 5 years ago
I have clean hands!
My run today.
With God by my side,
I will be victorious.
Everyday is a struggle.
I will not give up.
Until Next Time, Eat Organic, Eat Gluten-Free, Jennifer
Don't give up. Run a little faster. No, maybe today you are a little slow and all you want to do is to take it easy. Loosen up, just keep going, no one is watching. The pace is slow but you are going somewhere. In time you will get to your destination. (My self talk while I'm running)
Sometimes the happiness is there. I wake up and I feel like I want to scream at the world to tell it every good thing I will be doing today. Other days I feel like the world is too big and that I don't matter. Each day is presented to all of us and you can decide to make it a good day or give the devil a foothold and make not only yourself miserable, but those around you as well.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:25-27
I remember the days of just crying. I hated my body. I hated the fact that I wasn't the same person I was before. I wanted to get back to work, back to running, back to life. I wanted things to be the way they were.
Oh, poor Jennifer! (Sarcastic laugh) Those after baby hormones were in full effect!
After many months I learned to forgive myself through a series of Bible Studies.A year of therapy also helped me to see that my struggles don't define me. I didn't need to read another Brene' Brown book to show me that I am resilient. I saw a therapist that pointed out that I was resourceful, talented at sewing and a compassionate caretaker.
Whew, overwhelming, I know.
We all have qualities that make us unique. We tend to forget to see them. We aren't on the outside looking into our lives. We are living in it. Enduring all the insecurities that we have.
It took someone else to show me that I am stronger than what I think I am.
Begin today by having someone close to you tell you,either a spouse, friend or therapist, what special qualities attracted them to you. It's hard, I know. We don't say good or nice things about ourselves. Maybe the world needs a little bit more narcissistic people.
Whatever struggles you have today, let them go. Just rest in the assurance that you have a creator who doesn't give up on us. He is in the business of healing us. He comforted me in a time where I saw nothing but darkness. In time, Jesus revealed the light in my life and it's been burning ever since. It's a light that helps me walk in darkness. It took time my friend. It took time meeting up with friends, seeing a therapist, exercising and taking care of myself that helped heal me.
And believe me, we all heal from whatever life tends to drop into our journey.
Postpartum depression didn't kill me. It made me a BadAss. (And no, I haven't read the book You Are a Badass).
Until Next Time, Eat Organic, Eat Gluten-free, Jennifer
A couple of days ago I was looking at pictures of newborns. Big newborns compared to my little Hazel. I almost thought they were a couple of months old, but nope, they were just a few days old. When I hold Hazel, its like holding a little doll. She wears preemie clothes and can be wrapped up like a little burrito. I then asked God why aren't life events ever normal for me. I've endured two early pregnancies with Zachary and Emily and now Hazel. I remember the hospital stays, the sleepless nights wondering if my kids were going to turn out okay. Why wasn't my pregnancy normal? Why did I develop severe preclampsia when I was seeing a specialist, an OB and a nurse once a week? What went wrong? Or in my case, "What went right?"
Hazel has been my unexpected miracle. She was not ready at that moment to come into this world, but by her birth, she saved my life. Unexpected miracles are God's way of saying that, in the midst of the storm, where circumstances do not change and everything else that is going on around you doesn't go as planned. He tenderly says to you. "I'm going to make you strong." You can cry and plead to him to make things go your way, but nope, they don't and that's when you need to trust that he is preparing you for a greater purpose in life.
I remember my sister visiting me in the hospital when I developed the preclampsia. She pretty much was in shock to see me so swollen. The day I had my emergency c-section was the day I called my mom and told her I wasn't feeling well. Hazel was not ready to come into this world. She was healthy. I was so sick that in a matter of minutes I was rushed into surgery. There was a peace that overcame me during this time, I knew God was by my side. And he was because months before, there was death calling my name. In my dream, I could see David holding Hazel. There was sadness. I died during birth. The next morning after my dream I told David. We decided to pray. I pleaded for God to keep me alive. I'm not ready to go. God, please keep me here on Earth just a little bit longer.
Well, as you can see, I didn't die. For 4 weeks following Hazel's birth, I visited her in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit. We finally brought her home on May 26, 2016. There are many sleepless nights where the world stands still and all that matters is this little miracle that for years will continue to save me from myself.
I wrote this on 05/03/2016, I never published it. Hazel is 9 months old now and still continues to save me.
Until Next Time, Eat Organic, Eat Gluten-free, Jennifer
I love my Mom. Many years ago, my mom struggled with a failed marriage, two kids who were in prison and a unforeseen future. You can say that my mom has been through the gates of hell and back. She has been in the pit of despair. She has seen evil. She has witnessed grief alongside with the loss of a husband and two of her children who would be locked up behind bars. Many of the conversations I had with my mother were those of hopelessness and despair. I could picture her on the other end of the phone, tears streaming down her face. Her heart was broken beyond repair. The years passed. She raised two of her grand-kids, traveled every weekend to see her two children who were behind bars and worked to support not only herself, but her grand-kids as well. The pain was still there. The hurt and brokenness she experienced was still lingering there. Jesus was her only hope. He was there alongside everything she was experiencing. He comforted her when no one in the world could. She clung on to the promises of God. One particular saying that I love is the one below. My mom will pray this with me. I now recite it to myself when I feel overwhelmed by the world.
You are the child of the most high God
You are Blessed You are strong
No weapon formed against you shall prosper
I call you Blessed, Healed and Delivered
t
This particular saying made me think that we have the power to speak death and life into our lives. When I talk about my postpartum depression I do so that it helps me to write down what I'm going through. I have a great support system in my life. Depression is something few people want to talk about. When you hear the word, it doesn't sound nice or appealing. It speaks of death, of hopelessness. It speaks that we are sick. A sickness that no one wants. We want Joy. We want happiness. But how are we to achieve the happiness that we all desperately yearn for when our mind tells us otherwise. I see it as a mind over body battle. In my journey I have healed myself with choosing to speak life into my life. When I wake up, I chose to have a good day. I declare it. I say it in my head. I tell my mind that this is what I want today. We all have different battles/demons we face, but we are children of a great and powerful God that gives us the ability to heal within ourselves. We can live our lives in despair, grief and fear. Or we can live our lives in a way that replaces all those negative feelings with hope and love. It is in these moments in our lives that help us to remember that through the dark times, there will always be a light at the end waiting there for us. Whether it be a family member, a friend, a coworker or a therapist, there is always someone in our lives that speaks life into our despair. These people have the power to heal us in so many ways. For me, my mom, my husband, my therapist, my family and my friends remind me that I am stronger than what I think I am.
Today I visited with my therapist for the last time. We've seen each other for a year now. She would always remind me to take time out for myself. In her eyes I was resilient, resourceful and one very talented seamstress. I told her today that its hard for me to speak these wonderful words into my life. At the end of our session I asked her what areas do I need to continue to work on. She told me two areas where
1. better communication with David, my husband
2. speaking positive words about myself.
This is where I was reminded again that we have the ability to speak life into our lives. Yes, I've been diagnosed with postpartum depression, but that doesn't define who I am. I live with this and yes, I've made great improvements in my life. But I can speak wonderful words of encouragement in my life or I can speak death into it.
I can speak of all the areas of improvement I have made or I can reminisce on all the things that I haven't been able to change. I can be thankful for the life I lived before I had Hazel and see this new journey with her as a blessing. I can wake up everyday and chose to have a great day. So as I finish the rest of my week, I will be using positive affirmations. Find one that you like and write it down. Say it to yourself. Remind yourself that you are Awesome and that you are a child of God.
Until Next Time, Eat Organic, Eat Gluten-Free, Jennifer
Sometimes it feels as if someone is sitting on my shoulders. Sometimes it feels like an immense pain I feel throughout my body which forces me to lay still in my bed and think of all my past failures. Sometimes I sleep but wake up constantly because I can longer rest. Restless feeling it seems. Running lessens the pain. It numbs the feelings of despair and hopelessness I feel.
My old friend is back again. I keep busy by going grocery shopping today. I make chicken burgers that Zach says taste better than Chick fla. That kid is an angel. He gives me hugs constantly throughout the day and tells me that I'm the best Mom ever. I always tell everyone that God gave me the most happiest babies when I had Zachary and Hazel. Even though Zachs no longer a baby, he's 15 now. He constantly gives me hugs and love. Hazel wakes up everyday with a smile on her face. I guess if your going to have Postpartum Depression then God better give you happy babies so you can get through it. Hazel has been my healing. The very thing that caused my depression to get worse actually is saving me. She is such a blessing to all of us.
I wake up every morning to this beautiful smile.
As far as my therapy has been going, I'm doing great. In fact on Tuesday my therapist delivered the news that I would no longer be seeing her. It's been a year, I know but I thought I would be seeing her until the day I die. When you've poured out your heart and soul to a complete stranger and now you have to start all over again with another counselor, well, it's hard. She went on to explain that I don't need intensive services anymore so a counselor would do just fine. My heart broke. Nervous ticks started to creep into my body. She sensed it. Immediately she started telling me why I needed to move on.
1) I am resourceful.
2) Even though I'm not on medication, I seem to be doing well with coping with my depression.
3) She remembers the day I told her that I wanted to do the things I used to do like sewing and running. At the time I didn't know where to start. She said,"Well, get you a sewing machine." And that's exactly what I did. I started sewing making baby bibs. (Follow me on Instagram: JennieSews for updates on my sewing)
4) I'm running again. Even though sometimes I can only run 2 times a week. I'm running. I'm running!!!!!!!!!!
(Follow me on DailyMile)
Depression isn't something you pray away or tell your brain to snap out of it. It's there. It's a part of you. It tries to control you. It steals your joy. I'ts physical aches and pains. It's there and the only cure you have is to take medication or to just deal with it. Well, I've tried both, medication and just dealing with it. Now I'm on the just deal with it aspect of it. Sometimes I just want to be on the medication, but I suffer terribly from the side effects. It gives me great anxiety that makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
Running, Yoga and eating healthy do help, but it takes much more than that. It takes knowing a Great and Wonderful God who comforts and heals my soul.
For it is by Grace you have been saved, through Faith Ephesians 2:8
It is the Gift of God,
Until Next Time, Eat Organic, Eat Gluten-Free, Jennifer
