Come what may, I want to run.: The truth behind depression

Last night I went to bed feeling bad about my weight. In my head I tried to figure out all the ways I would lose the last 30 pounds that my body has absorbed since the birth of Hazel. No matter how many miles I run, no matter how healthy I eat, my body is stuck and it will not let me back into my size 4 jeans that would curve my small, tiny body. Instead, my body is a size 10. It has curves that never existed before, it also did not have a small tiny scar below my navel that would remind me that this last pregnancy was one that almost killed me. My body won't squeeze into a size 8, no matter how hard I try. And yes, that dress was so adorable, and yes it would have been great to wear, but no matter what, it did not fit. End of story.

Today my body would not wake up. It simply was not going to function today. I so desperately wanted to go to church today. No seeing the kids wave Palm branches into the air, no Easter egg hunt for Hazel, no going out to eat after wards. No perfect day for me. Instead my mind fought with my body to just get up. I could hear God tell me that he loves me no matter what and that my life matters. When the pain comes, it consumes not only your body, but your mind. It reminds you of all your past failures. It's there to tell you that you are better off dead. Then, I hear God again reminding me how much I matter and that he loves me. I am then consumed with a peace that makes me get out of bed. The sickness I feel makes me want to just sleep. It makes you want to forget about the world. It tells you to sleep. It commands it of you. It doesn't care if you're having a great couple of weeks or months. It comes when it wants to. It sneaks up on you.

Today I did not let the sickness consume me. I will not lose this battle. I will get up and run. And running is what I did. I ran until the thoughts no longer consumed me. I ran until my legs hurt. I ran with Clutch blazing in my ears. I run because my life depends on it. I then came home to my beautiful family and was reminded again for the millionth time that I am blessed beyond measure.