Adios 2016, Bienvenidos 2017

2016
Zachary advances to 3rd degree Black Belt

Lately things in my life have made no sense to me. Lately things that have been happening around me have left with questioning my creator.  It's left me with a sense of disconnection from this world.  A bit of it can be soothed with a tune or two, but lately my soul needs rest.  And rest it has done.  For the past 3 days I've suffered from a sinus infection that left me questioning my sanity. Like who in the world lies in bed for 2 days and wishes to be dead when one alone is just suffering from such an infection.  I told David it was the flu, but he suspected it wasn't something that drastic. Today, day 4, its' New Year's Eve and I got out of my pajamas and got dressed.  Nothing fancy, just a nice top and tights.  I want to bring in the New Year with a positive outlook. 

I forgave myself in 2016

A positive outlook on my job. A positive outlook on my journey from postpartum depression. A positive outlook on raising the kids and a new baby.  A positive outlook on my sewing. A positive outlook on helping others. A positive outlook on Myself: this has been one of my biggest struggles as I have battled with a negative self image and my postpartum depression. 

Things that have happened to me this past year have made no sense to me. I see them as just trails that we all go through in life.  Sometimes things just happen because, well, "That's Life."  Everything doesn't have to have a reason.  Some things just happen because we have no control over the way people behave or act.  We can just control the things we say or do.  

This journey in 2016 has made me love myself more than ever. It's helped me to accept the things I can not change.  It's made me Love More Deeply and it made me realize how full of shit some people are. Pardon my french. I've also learned the meaning of being patient.  Especially when it comes to buying a house.  It's made me love my in laws more than I have ever loved them and it's made me very thankful for my husband who has never left my side. 

This year I have given more of myself, my time and my money to others.  

Here's to another year.  It's a bit scary, I know. One day at time people. That's how I see it.

2016:  I started making baby bibs.

Hazel's First Halloween

Vacation 2016

Started running with Hazel                                                             Earth Baby 2016

Until Next Time,

Eat Organic,

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

The truth behind Postpartum Depression

Have you noticed anything different about me?  

Well, David says, you seem more happy.  

Happiness.

What does this all mean? Well, if you ask any random person you encounter what 5 things they want in their life, I'm sure happiness is one of them.  Running was my happiness.  I remember getting excited before a run. Oh, the sun, the rain, the wind, the cold.  I ran everyday.  My greatest memories were running 20 miles just because I wanted an adventure.  I never was the competitive type, so races were not my thing.  Running relieved my depression. I survived because of it.  Now, its the one thing I crave. The one thing that I wish I could do everyday. Instead, I'm raising Hazel, working full-time and trying to find time to homeschool the kids in the midst of all the craziness life brings.  Once a perfectionist, I'm at the mercy of a pill I take everyday to help calm the perfectionist in me, to get rid of the crying, the sick feeling and the "I don't want to live anymore" feeling.

That "I don't want to live anymore" feeling has gone away.  Every morning I wake up to the sound of a happy baby.  You can never be depressed when you're with Hazel. She brings me so much happiness.  She is healing me.  I've been posting videos of how happy she is. Before my mind was clouded, now it see the true meaning of living, it sees the beauty in the smile of Hazel, the joy of seeing my son D.J., the great amount of pride I feel when I see Emily draw and when Zach came to me with great news that he's now a part of our working society.

                   The truth is that I'm Happy without running and it feels so damn good.

My Mom.  I love her so much. 

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic,

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

Hazel is teething.

Twenty minutes is all  I needed.  I rolled out my mat, breathed in fresh air and exhaled toxic air that I've been holding in all day, I prayed that this week would be a great one and that whatever came my way that I would be able to deal with it.  The past few days have been stressful for David and I.  Hazel has been teething.  No amount of rocking, singing, Tylenol or prayers can stop a baby from teething. Nothing soothes her.  Well, one thing does (breastfeeding)and then she wakes up and remembers she's in pain.   My heart hurts to see her this way, but she has to go through it.  I searched Etsy yesterday and ordered her a teething necklace.

Isn't this adorable? I ordered this through Etsy.

 She sat in this for 5 minutes and
watched Barney and was done. But she does look cute in
her pink sandals. 

 My shoulders carry so much tension and stress. I'm not perfect.
 I don't strive for it. I just get on my mat and whatever happens, happens.
I don't judge myself when I get on.
I'm giving myself time to heal.

Until Next Time, 

Eat Gluten Free, 

Eat Organic, 

Jennifer

I am taking care of me

During Savavasana (corpse pose) today a tear streamed down my face.  I'm emotional. Yes, I do know.  I just had a baby 3 months ago, not just, but if you think about it, that's 8 months (Hazel was born at 32 weeks) that my body went through some extreme changes; it made a baby and now 3 months later I'm trying to find myself.
For 10 years of my life I dedicated it to running and yoga.  And I should say not any yoga, I did Ashtanga yoga faithfully every day of my life.  So, you can see why I got all emotional today as I reflected back on everything I've been through the past 12 months of my life.

I saw my Psychologist today. If you've seen the TV show House, then you know the doctor on the show, well, he looks exactly like my shrink.  Today we discussed why I should be on medicine and that L-Methofolate hasn't shown any positive effects for depression.  I'm reminded that I need to see my primary doctor in regards to my folate deficiency and that its' best if I'm proactive about my postpartum depression and start taking medicine. In my chart I'm considered a non-complaint patient. I'm the one who starts a medication, gets off, then gets back on.  I go on to tell him that the last medication he put me on gave me really bad anxiety.
I contemplated on telling him that God is healing me.  Not a smart thing to say so I decide that its just between me and God.  Believe me when I say that I don't hear voices and I don't hear God talking to me. You don't have to worry about that.  I've suffered from depression all my life.  Later it just has a new name that my doctor calls: postpartum depression. I like to blame it on my hormones and the fact that my body is still in shock from being cut open to deliver a baby.

I'm not depressed. I don't have thoughts of hurting Hazel or hurting myself.  Hazel is a blessing.  Today during Yoga I was reminded that I am stronger than what I think and that I need to stop believing the lies that the evil one tries to throw at me.  Lies like: I'm useless. I'm better off dead.  No one appreciates you. You're a terrible mom.  You're fat. All these lies are meant to destroy me.  They are meant to put me into a deep depression that no one can get me out of.

Today I'm reminded that:

My life is beautiful. I'm beautiful. 

  I am So proud of myself for the Yoga I did today. Thank you Veronica.

This was the beginning of my Yoga practice 10 years ago.

Until Next Time, 
Eat Gluten-Free (I'm letting myself eat gluten and it feels so good)
Eat Organic,

Jennifer 

Hello, how are you?

Hello, it's me

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet

To go over everything

They say that time's supposed to heal ya

But I ain't done much healing

In fact I've wondered where you were at?  Did I bury you so deep that after all the years you had to make your way back into my life?  I don't know if I want to see you again.  Yesterday I tried to get rid of you.  It didn't seem to help.  Then the crying came again. I surprised myself when I ran 3 miles with tears streaming down my face. Why now?  Why come at the greatest time of my life?  Come, on now, I just had a beautiful baby? Let me enjoy her for awhile before you come back and suck the life out of me again. Please go away. I think we should talk about this. Lets start now, 

Lets go over everything.  

I always thought it was a spiritual battle. You know, I'm not praying enough for you to go away or I haven't given everything over completely to God. That's such BS these days.  I always thought I wasn't strong enough.  Am I not running enough?  Eating enough healthy food?  Eliminating all the Gluten in my diet?  Some days it feels as if someone is pulling me down. Some days I'm on top of the world and want to just be Happy.  Why do you have to come and steal my joy?  Won't you just go bury yourself again for the next 9 years and come back then?  

Today Hazel turn 3 months so I'm going to take her a bath, dress her up and take photos of her so I can remember what she looked like at this age.  Then I'm going to finish listening to Adele.  

This is what You look like. 

 You used to be just Depression but now you have a new name:

Postpartum Depression. 

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry
I hope that you're well

Jennifer

Everything Has Its Time

If you would have asked me last year what I would be doing this time of year, my answer would be running, working and homeschooling the kids.  Since the kids are at an appropriate age where we no longer have to change diapers or run around the house like crazy chasing them down for bathes, we thought we were done with having kids.  If you would have asked us 5 years ago if we wanted any additional kids my answer would be yes. David's would be "Umm, Nope."  And of course the kids would have their say and the answer would be in agreement with their dad's.  But, I longed for a baby.  I even had dreams of babies in my head. I thought of creating a baby registry, buying a jogging stroller and having my baby wrapped in a 58 inch sling that would bring comfort to both of us.  The years passed. And they passed very fast.  The longing was still in my heart, but I gave up.  

Every action has an appointed time. 

Our timing is not our timing, but God's.  The creator who sets life into motion and who tells the stars when to rise and the sun when to rise and when to set, has a timetable of events that we can accept or we can be crushed by it.  I've accepted a season in my life where I am creating life. 

 In Ecclesiastes 3:1

A Time to be born

A time to die;

The verse goes on to tell us that everything that God has ordained:  Birth and death, sowing and harvesting, weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing, speaking and keeping silent, and war and peace are common occurrences in life.  We mist fit this all into his plan and will for our lives. 

 Have you accepted your season in Your Life? 

Here is the entire verse:

To everything there is  a season, 

A time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born,

A time to die,

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted, 

A time to kill, 

And a time to heal;

A time to break down, 

And a time to build up, 

A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, 

And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones, 

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, 

And a time to lose;

A time to keep, 

And a time to throw away;

A time to tear, 

And a time to sew;

A time to love,

And a time to hate;

A time of war, 

And a time of peace.

Are you in a season of birth like I am?  Or are you in a season of death?  Is there life being created in you or are you seeing a loved one passing on from this life to another?  It goes on to tell us that everything has it's time.  Maybe you are in a time of losing a love? Are you in a season of love?  What about a season of hate?  Or maybe you are in a season of financial difficulties and you don't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Rest assure that we all go through these seasons in our lives.  If we didn't, our lives would all look the same.  They don't because God has an appointed time for every activity. My time you see if creating life.  A season of rest as well.  I may look at others who are enjoying their lives with various activities to include going to the movies, hiking, taking trips and trying fun, new things in their lives and long for those things right now. But, I don't.  I'm not in that season right now. Does it make me sad?  Nope. I'm resting. I take naps. I eat to sustain a life in me, not for enjoyment. You may be eating for enjoyment, fellowship and creating new memories in your life.  I on the other hand am trying to create life.  

Each season we go through is preparing us for the days ahead. 

 My season is preparing me for the days ahead when I can no longer sleep like there is no tomorrow.  Instead of the peaceful 8-10 sleeping nights for me, there will be numerous night time feeding and diaper changes that will disrupt my beauty sleep.  There will be joy when Hazel Alana comes.  But rest is what I need at this time. 

 Each season will end. And when it does, we must trust God and all the plans he has for our lives. 

There will be a season when I will no longer be creating life, but I will be building it up.  

Embrace each season in your life.  Every activity has its proper times as ordained by God.  

Again, if you would have asked me what I would be doing this time of year, well, its the same answer:

Running.  And running is what I did today, I had Hazel with me, so it made it much more enjoyable.

And Oh, the stories I will tell her of our runs together while in the womb.

We did almost 5 miles today!!!

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic,

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

Friends

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Vegan cinnamon and peach pancakes.  Yup, I say, that's what I want.  

"I'm craving pancakes, I've been thinking about them since yesterday." says Marlene. 

 "Me too!!!" I reply.

 I almost was just going to go into the restaurant by myself and order a full stack of pancakes, but I figured she was running late. Left my phone at home and had no idea that she was just tied up because a friend of hers had no babysitter and needed her to watch her 1 year old little girl.  

My baby girl on the other hand was getting pretty upset and anxious that it was already 10:22 a.m. and she hadn't had one single taste of food.  Those pregnancy hormones almost kicked in, just at the moment she drove up to our favorite place to eat:  Kirby Lane. It's been a while since I had a sit down meal/conversation with a friend.  

Last year was a very hard year for me as I battled severe depression and I distanced myself from many friends.  I sure do love all the friendships that I have created over the past few years and each friendship is special and very unique to me. Each friend of mine brings something that I need in my life.  Marlene, my friend, brings me Hope. 

Having lost her husband 2 years ago, she is as strong as the first day I met her in 2008.  A runner, a full-time health care worker and soon to be a full-time student, she battled so many hardships in her life.  The most devastating was when she lost the love of her life.  We talk about him on our breakfast dates, her kids and what amazes me the most is that she hasn't given up.  I always think about my life and if this ever happened to me, that I wonder if I would be as strong as her.  We met today because in a week she will be starting school for her nursing degree.  I listen as she tells me all she's going to do.  

School. Work. Kids. The list goes on. 

Then I look over at my belly and see that I am going to have some changes in my life.

Am I ready? What obstacles will I encounter?  Will I see each new day as a blessing and move forward? 

I believe we fear the unknown.  But how are we going to grow as individuals if we don't venture out into the unknown.  I fear many things.  The birth. The labor.  My depression getting worse. 

 Fear tends to take a tight hold on us.  Meeting with my friend today made me less fearful. It made me believe in myself.  That I too am strong enough to overcome any obstacle.  

My new philosophy should be this "If Marlene can overcome it, I can too."   

Running is what we do best!  

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic, 

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

Ch-ch-ch-ch changes

Ch-ch-ch-ch changes

Strange fascination, fascinating me

Changes are taking the pace

I'm going through

(If you didn't know, this was borrowed from David Bowie)

I was about 8 or 10 weeks here. 

Changes are happening all around me and through me.  18 weeks now carrying another human life force has caused me to see life so differently now.  What once was urgent as running everyday has now turned into a slow pace for me.  I run with determination now.  No longer able to run 6 or 8 miles or even 10, my only goal is to make it to 4.  What once was an exercise I did to stay in my size 4 jeans, now I exercise so that I can make it through the labor in June.  As I said before, having a baby is the hardest thing a women will ever do in her life, but harder when you see so many changes happening in your body.  

A coworker of mine is having a baby boy. We are exactly the same weeks into our pregnancy.  I feel like a whale at times when I stand next to her, but then realize that we were both created differently.  I told David that the other day she told me about this cool belly band you can get at the store to hold up your jeans.  Wow! I thought, I need that.  Funny thing is she was talking about her pre-pregnancy pants. Ha!! Mine are in storage at the moment.  I have to buy new clothes every month.  And I mean every month like clock work.   I have no skinny part left in me.  Those size 4 jeans will be tucked away in storage until I can lose the baby weight afterwards.  And even if I don't, it's okay. 

You see, pregnant women out there, We need to be proud of our bodies.  Big or small.  I need to stop telling myself that I am fat. I'm Pregnant.  As I ran today, I looked down at my belly and smiled.  I'm carrying the most precious gift ever.  This will be the last time I will carry another bundle of joy. 

Jennifer, I said to myself, "Embrace it!"

And that's exactly what I need to do.  Here's to Changes!!!!!

Until Next Time,

Eat Organic,

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

18 weeks 3 days

God, You're my Deliverer

"Discover the side effects. Don't research them."
Clever 14 year old named Zach

It's always kids and their smart sayings that put things in perspective for us adults.  Which I have found very helpful during the times when my doctor wanted to put me on a medication and I would have such anxiety that all I would do was sit on my couch at home and spend hours looking up blogs/research/reviews on the medication.  As Zach told me, he said I shouldn't worry too much about what the reviews or information that was provided said, but to experience those side effects as they came along.  

Yesterday the nurse gave me my first injection of Progesterone.  Progesterone is a hormone that is commonly used for infertility, ovarian cysts and endometrial cancer.  It is a hormone that is released by the ovaries and occurs naturally in the body.  Its role is to regulate ovulation and menstruation. 

Progesterone for preterm labor which is why I'm receiving it is  the 17P Alpha Hydroxy. 

Women with a history of preterm labor (like myself) can reduce the risk of recurrent preterm birth. Those like myself have had a history of at least one prior spontaneous preterm delivery.

I've had 2.  Zach was born at 32 weeks. He weighed 5lbs 6oz.  Emily was the second. She weighed 6lbs 8oz and was born at 36 weeks. 

Having a baby born early creates in you fear that your new bundle of joy will grow up with a number of health problems.  Technology and advances in medicine today provide infants who are born premature with a really big chance that they will not develop any developmental delays.  Zach was born at 32 weeks and was hospitalized for 2 weeks and then sent home.  As of today, he is 14 years old and has had some speech developmental delay growing up, but he has had no neurological/or physical delays.   He's one normal kid (he's a second degree (senior) black belt).

Emily had no developmental or neurological delays.  She's always used more of the right side of her brain and that's what makes her a great artist. 

Which with baby number 4, we will trust that the injections I will be receiving weekly will help prevent her from coming too soon.  

Honestly, I'm miserable and my first injection has created such tiredness and lethargy.  These are the side effects and I have to experience them for myself.  Creating another human being is the hardest thing a woman will do in her life, but I rest in the assurance that God will deliver me through all my fears, anxieties and worries.  

My song right now is "God You're my Deliverer", by Matt Maher.  

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic,

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

17 weeks 3 days