Do not give the Devil a foothold

Don't give up.  Run a little faster.  No, maybe today you are a little slow and all you want to do is to take it easy.  Loosen up, just keep going, no one is watching.  The pace is slow but you are going somewhere. In time you will get to your destination. 
(My self talk while I'm running)

Sometimes the happiness is there. I wake up and I feel like I want to scream at the world to tell it every good thing I will be doing today. Other days I feel like the world is too big and that I don't matter. Each day  is presented to all of us and you can decide to make it a good day or give the devil a foothold and make not only yourself miserable, but those around you as well.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 

Ephesians 4:25-27

I remember the days of just crying. I hated my body. I hated the fact that I wasn't the same person I was before. I wanted to get back to work, back to running, back to life.  I wanted things to be the way they were.

Oh, poor Jennifer! (Sarcastic laugh) Those after baby hormones were in full effect!

After many months I learned to forgive myself through a series of Bible Studies.A year of therapy also helped me to see that my struggles don't define me. I didn't need to read another Brene' Brown book to show me that I am resilient.  I saw a therapist that pointed out that  I was resourceful, talented at sewing and a compassionate caretaker. 

Whew, overwhelming, I know.

We all have qualities that make us unique. We tend to forget to see them.  We aren't on the outside looking into our lives. We are living in it. Enduring all the insecurities that we have.
It took someone else to show me that I am stronger than what I think I am.
Begin today by having someone close to you tell you,either a spouse, friend or therapist,  what special qualities attracted them to you.  It's hard, I know. We don't say good or nice things about ourselves.  Maybe the world needs a little bit more narcissistic people.

Whatever struggles you have today, let them go.  Just rest in the assurance that you have a creator who doesn't give up on us.  He is in the business of healing us. He comforted me in a time where I saw nothing but darkness. In time, Jesus revealed the light in my life and it's been burning ever since.  It's a light that helps me walk in darkness. It took time my friend. It took time meeting up with friends, seeing a therapist, exercising and taking care of myself that helped heal me.
And believe me, we all heal from whatever life tends to drop into our journey.
Postpartum depression didn't kill me. It made me a BadAss. (And no, I haven't read the book You Are a Badass).

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic, 
Eat Gluten-free, 
Jennifer

Hazel

 A couple of days ago I was looking at pictures of newborns. Big newborns compared to my little Hazel.  I almost thought they were a couple of months old, but nope, they were just a few days old.  When I hold Hazel, its like holding a little doll. She wears preemie clothes and can be wrapped up like a little burrito. I then asked God why aren't life events ever normal for me.  I've endured two early pregnancies with Zachary and Emily and now Hazel.  I remember the hospital stays, the sleepless nights wondering if my kids were going to turn out okay. Why wasn't my pregnancy normal?  Why did I develop severe preclampsia when I was seeing a specialist, an OB and a nurse once a week?  What went wrong?  Or in my case, "What went right?"

Hazel has been my unexpected miracle.  She was not ready at that moment to come into this world, but by her birth, she saved my life. Unexpected miracles are God's way of saying that, in the midst of the storm, where circumstances do not change and everything else that is going on around you doesn't go as planned.  He tenderly says to  you. "I'm going to make you strong."  You can cry and plead to him to make things go your way, but nope, they don't and that's when you need to trust that he is preparing you for a greater purpose in life. 

I remember my sister visiting me in the hospital when I developed the preclampsia.  She pretty much was in shock to see me so swollen.  The day I had my emergency c-section was the day I called my mom and told her I wasn't feeling well.  Hazel was not ready to come into this world.  She was healthy.  I was so sick that in a matter of minutes I was rushed into surgery.  There was a peace that overcame me during this time,  I knew God was by my side.  And he was because months before, there was death calling my name.  In my dream, I could see David holding Hazel.  There was sadness.  I died during birth.  The next morning after my dream I told David.  We decided to pray.  I pleaded for God to keep me alive. I'm not ready to go. God, please keep me here on Earth just a little bit longer.  

Well, as you can see, I didn't die.  For 4 weeks following Hazel's birth, I visited her in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit.  We finally brought her home on May 26, 2016.  There are many sleepless nights where the world stands still and all that matters is this little miracle that for years will continue to save me from myself.   

I wrote this on 05/03/2016, I never published it. Hazel is 9 months old now and still continues to save me. 

Until Next Time, 
Eat Organic, 
Eat Gluten-free, 
Jennifer

Speak Life

I love my Mom. Many years ago, my mom struggled with a failed marriage, two kids who were in prison and a unforeseen future.  You  can say that my mom has been through the gates of hell and back. She has been in the pit of despair. She has seen evil. She has witnessed grief alongside with the loss of a husband and  two of her children who would be locked up behind bars.  Many of the conversations I had with my mother were those of hopelessness and despair. I  could picture her on the other end of the phone, tears streaming down her face.  Her heart was broken beyond repair.  The years passed. She raised two of her grand-kids, traveled every weekend to see her two children who were behind bars and worked to support not only herself, but her grand-kids as well.  The pain was still there. The hurt and brokenness she experienced was still lingering there.  Jesus was her only hope. He was there alongside everything she was experiencing.  He comforted her when no one in the world could.  She clung on to the promises of God. One particular saying that I love is the one below. My mom will pray this with me.  I now recite it to myself when I feel overwhelmed by the world. 

You are the child of the most high God

You are Blessed You are strong

No weapon formed against you shall prosper

I call you Blessed, Healed and Delivered

t

This particular saying made me think that we have the power to speak death and life into our lives.  When I talk about my postpartum depression I do so that it helps me to write down what I'm going through.  I have a great support system in my life. Depression is something few people want to talk about.  When you hear the word, it doesn't sound nice or appealing. It speaks of death, of hopelessness. It speaks that we are sick. A sickness that no one wants.  We want Joy. We want happiness. But how are we to achieve the happiness that we all desperately yearn for when our mind tells us otherwise. I see it as a mind over body battle.  In my journey I have healed myself with choosing to speak life into my life.  When I wake up, I chose to have a good day. I declare it. I say it in my head.  I tell my mind that this is what I want today.  We all have different battles/demons we face, but we are children of a great and powerful God that gives us the ability to heal within ourselves. We can live our lives in despair, grief and fear.  Or we can live our lives in a way that replaces all those negative feelings with hope and love.  It is in these moments in our lives that help us to remember that through the dark times, there will always be a light at the end waiting there for us. Whether it be a family member, a friend, a coworker or a therapist, there is always someone in our lives that speaks life into our despair.  These people have the power to heal us in so many ways.  For me, my mom, my husband, my therapist, my family and my friends remind me that I am stronger than what I think I am.

Today I visited with my therapist for the last time. We've seen each other for a year now.  She would always remind me to take time out for myself.  In her eyes I was resilient, resourceful and one very talented seamstress.  I told her today that its hard for me to speak these wonderful words into my life.  At the end of our session I asked her what areas do I need to continue to work on.  She told me two areas where

1. better communication with David, my husband
2. speaking positive words about myself.

This is where I was reminded again that we have the ability to speak life into our lives.  Yes, I've been diagnosed with postpartum depression, but that doesn't define who I am. I live with this and yes, I've made great improvements in my life. But I can speak wonderful words of encouragement in my life or I can speak death into it.
I can speak of all the areas of improvement I have made or I can reminisce on all the things that I haven't been able to change.  I can be thankful for the life I lived before I had Hazel and see this new journey with her as  a blessing.  I can wake up everyday and chose to have a great day. So as I finish the rest of my week, I will be using positive affirmations.  Find one that you like and write it down. Say it to yourself. Remind yourself that you are Awesome and that you are a child of God.

Until Next Time, 
Eat Organic, 
Eat Gluten-Free, 
Jennifer

My old friend is back again.

Sometimes it feels as if someone is sitting on my shoulders. Sometimes it feels like an immense pain I feel throughout my body which forces me to lay still in my bed and think of all my past failures. Sometimes I sleep but wake up constantly because I can longer rest. Restless feeling it seems.  Running lessens the pain. It numbs the feelings of despair and hopelessness I feel.

My old friend is back again.  I keep busy by going grocery shopping today. I make chicken burgers that Zach says taste better than Chick fla.  That kid is an angel.  He gives me hugs constantly throughout the day and tells me that I'm the best Mom ever. I always tell everyone that God gave me the most happiest babies when I had Zachary and Hazel.  Even though Zachs no longer a baby, he's 15 now. He constantly gives me hugs and love. Hazel wakes up everyday with a smile on her face.  I guess if your going to have Postpartum Depression then God better give you happy babies so you can get through it.  Hazel has been my healing. The very thing that caused my depression to get worse actually is saving me.  She is such a blessing to all of us.

I wake up every morning to this beautiful smile.  

As far as my therapy has been going, I'm doing great.  In fact on Tuesday my therapist delivered the news that I would no longer be seeing her.  It's been a year, I know but I thought I would be seeing her until the day I die.  When you've poured out your heart and soul to a complete stranger and now you have to start all over again with another counselor, well, it's hard.  She went on to explain that I don't need intensive services anymore so a counselor would do just fine.  My heart broke. Nervous ticks started to creep into my body.  She sensed it.  Immediately she started telling me why I needed to move on. 

1) I am resourceful.

2) Even though I'm not on medication, I seem to be doing well with coping with my depression.

3) She remembers the day I told her that I wanted to do the things I used to do like sewing and running.  At the time I didn't know where to start.  She said,"Well, get you a sewing machine."  And that's exactly what I did.  I started sewing making baby bibs. (Follow me on Instagram: JennieSews for updates on my sewing)

4) I'm running again. Even though sometimes I can only run 2 times a week. I'm running. I'm running!!!!!!!!!!

(Follow me on DailyMile)

Depression isn't something you pray away or tell your brain to snap out of it.  It's there.  It's a part of you.  It tries to control you. It steals your joy.  I'ts physical aches and pains.  It's there and the only cure you have is to take medication or to just deal with it.  Well, I've tried both, medication and just dealing with it.  Now I'm on the just deal with it aspect of it.  Sometimes I just want to be on the medication, but I suffer terribly from the side effects.  It gives me great anxiety that makes me want to crawl out of my skin.  

Running, Yoga and eating healthy do help, but it takes much more than that.  It takes knowing a Great and Wonderful God who comforts and heals my soul.

For it is by Grace you have been saved, through Faith
Ephesians 2:8

It is the Gift of God,

Until Next Time,
Eat Organic,
Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer