Summer

July will soon be coming you guys.  I don't think I've had one enjoyable moment outside since May. Sure, Hazel and I went to the pool once and she had the best day of her life. I didn't fail as a mom.  We went to the Thinkery, been to the library (once).  You step outside. You feel miserable. Waking up early is not an option anymore. For 23 years of my life, I've worked many schedules and one I hated the most was my morning shifts where I would need to be awake by 4am. Sometimes 3am.   

In my delirious phase of life, running was done before work.  Now in my sane state of being, 8am is the earliest.  Nighttime running has been a thing now.  Believe me, it's still so hot and miserable running in the day as running at night. 

So for the rest of July, I'm staying inside.   We will be reading so much that our brains will be full of wonder!! LOL!! 

Before I leave, here are some of our favorite reads this Summer.  Be sure to share what you have been reading. 

Our Book Picks for this Summer:

Chi's Sweet Home. 

Hazel has read the first two books in this series. Each book contains over 400 pages. Sure to keep the kids busy for hours!! If you have Crunchy Roll, we do because of our obsession with Demon Slayer, you can catch the TV series on there. The monthly subscription is $8.00 a month and so worth it. 

I'm sure your kids have seen the Last Kids on Earth Tv series on Netflix. 

Well, what about reading the books? There are over 10 books in the series. 

El Deafo

There is no sequel. Believe me, Hazel asked and we looked. Nope, just this book. 

We also subscribed to Apple TV just so we can watch the series. 

Baby Mouse Series

We just started this series. Hazel is on book 2 now.  I believe there are 18 books in the series. 

Until Next Time, 

Stay Cool, 

Jennifer 

Unplanned Leave of Absence

When you've been off of work for 19 days, there comes a day where you sit and reflect back on what the hell just happened these past few weeks.  Your existence in life.

What does it all mean?  

And why in the world haven't you worked? 

 I mean, you're not on vacation. "Are you?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Jennie, you may ask, "Are you having a midlife crisis? "

"Am I?"

Well, let me begin.  It all started this month when I had 2 unexpected deaths from healthy individuals. In the span of 3 weeks, two special needs individuals died.  If I had continued to work at this particular facility/assignment, I would have had a 4th one. 

I've worked hospice for more than half of my career as a nurse, so why did these two deaths hit me so hard?  Back in 2012 when I worked in a rehab unit, nights were the easiest and the least wanted shift. 

12 hour shifts. Easy. Then one day made me reevaluate my existence and honestly, I fell asleep while driving home so I vowed to never work a night shift ever again.  

Fast forward to 2022 and there I was working night shift (65 hour weeks). Energy drinks helped me stay awake, my eating schedule was that I ate the next day because I couldn't digest food on little sleep. Running 3-4 miles before my night shift gave me the endorphins I so needed. There were days where I would stay awake and do homeschooling with Hazel for 3-4 hours and then go to bed.  

Vegetarian Salad: Tofu, broccoli,tomatoes, mushrooms, 

brussel sprouts on a mixed salad. 

So, 19 days ago, my leave of absence began.  I cleansed my diet, began to start looking at my intake of food. I started a probiotic, health shake and BAM!!  12 pounds lighter, mind clearer, Hazel happy because we started back with our bike adventures that somehow ended up at McDonald's. 

Yes, my rest seemed to be going great until a few days ago when a sadness hit me so hard that it left me paralyzed.  David contributed it to the night before. We drove into Austin to celebrate Yan's 18th birthday.  Nope.  When my family says I'm like the energizer bunny, it's like the energizer bunny on Steroids.  Seriously.  That day tears filled my face.  Then my mind to begin to wonder.

• -you are a bad mom.

• -Why aren't you working?

• -What's wrong with you?

• -Why haven't you gotten your life in order?

• -you are a failure?

• -you are a nurse, why don't you want to take care of people anymore?

• Again, "What's wrong with me?'

As David lay next to me, reminding me of all the good and beautiful things I do. The wonderful mother I am, the tired worn out soul that maybe just needs to stay in bed; I rolled to my side, mustered the energy to rise up, wipe the tears from my eyes.

Walked outside, tied my running shoes tight and headed out into the sunshine. 

And just like that. Those endorphins helped me. Jennie came back again. 

Mindset changed. Just like that.  

We all need a cheerleader like David.  One that can bring us out of the darkness.  

May I do the same for others as well.  And maybe by writing again I can inspire you in some way. 

My indeed profile has been updated. My sewing is in full swing again (message me for your sewing needs). Fabric is being cut to make scrub hats. And as far as my nursing job goes, it will come. Or maybe it won't. Maybe what I've been doing my entire life will lead me into something that will not only bring me peace, but financial peace as well.  

What would you like to see Jennie create?

JennieSews specializes in hems, patch placement, button replacement, mending and custom creations to include scrub hats. 

Until Next Time, 

Go run!!!!

Jennie

Our Joy Has Come

I spoke with my sister last night.  I've missed her calls. During our  3 week vacation in Florida I tried my best to stay off my phone. The Jennifer 10 years ago would have tried to set rules and tell the kids, "no electronics while we are on vacation!"  But who am I kidding?  The trip alone was 16 hours one way.  Electronics was the only source of entertainment as we made our way to Florida and followed the same straight road.  As we ventured further into our destination we entered a tunnel and that was pretty cool.  

Just so you know, we haven't vacationed in over 10 years. My sister was worried that we entered into a hot spot for COVID-19. But honestly, we just went from one hot spot to another.  We heard on the news about the delta variant as well as the Lambda which made its way into Houston.  We wore our masks. Distanced as much as possible and avoided crowded areas.  We are all vaccinated except Hazel. Our days were planned as carefully as they could be.  

Marty is an old friend, RN, BSN and an amazing person. In 2008 we worked at a rehab facility together. She was the one that blessed us with Nibbler. Before our trip I told her that Nibbler had passed away. She sent her condolences and showed us pictures of Nibblers dad, Eeyore, who is still alive. I mentioned to her that eventually, after our vacation we would be looking for a Shitzu. 

I'm still not sure if it was 1 week or 2 weeks into our trip, but I received an email from Marty. It was a craig listing for a Shitzu who was around 1 month old.  The newborn pup was white with splashes of black. 

I thought about Nibbler. Emily expressed her desire to get a white Shitzu. One look at this new baby and I knew she was meant to be in our family.  Nibbler was a black shitzu. The black would remind us of Nibbler.  In the midst of our busyness I managed to call Tom, the owner.  This dog was his boyfriends dog that only had one puppy.  One.  Just one pup. One pup that Marty agreed to pick her up and care for her until we were done with our vacation and headed back to Austin. 

Over the course of a couple of weeks, Marty sent us updates with pictures of Oreo. 

My heart felt a little bit better seeing pictures of our new pup. As the passing of Nibbler just happened before our trip to Florida, we had plans on taking him to the beach,  riding in the car with us to Florida. Nibbler enjoying the breeze as he stuck his head out the window. Seeing his reaction once more as he saw DJ, our son.  Those memories didn't happen. The trip was a way to help us all escape our troubles. It was a time to help us heal.  Although it still hurt so much that I thought about cancelling our trip. 

So last night, as I talked to my sister about the joy we have once again, we talked as sisters do. Talks about our homeschool curriculum. Talks about when we would start school. Talks about my trip. Talks about the new little bundle of joy we have now.

Sometimes I have to just sit back and relax, take a deep breathe and  soak up all the blessings that God has given me.  

To see the happiness that Marty has brought me once again through Oreo, it reminds me that God has good plans for us. Never in my mind would I have thought a friendship through nursing more than 12 years ago would once again bring me a new life for all of us to enjoy again. 

 Our Joy. It is finally here. 

Nibblers Urn (Emily decorated with a sticker)

 and the beautiful

Rainbow Bridge Horse from Marty.

My souvenir from Florida.

Hazel and her brother enjoying breakfast together.

Cuteness Overload!!!

Until Next Time, 

Mask Up!

Get Vaccinated!

Jennifer

 Sorrow will turn to Joy

"A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me, because I go to the Father."

John 16:16

Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned to joy.

John 16:20

Jesus was speaking to his disciples in these two verses.  They inquired among themselves, confused as to what Jesus was saying. 

"What is this that He says, "A little while? We do not know what He is saying."

John 16:18

Jesus was a storyteller. He loved to tell stories. His use of figurative language confused many people and sometimes what people needed was for him to tell them plainly about the plans the Father had for him.

Later on in this passage, in verse 21, he tries to explain what he is saying by using the Miracle of Birth.

A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. 

We may have sorrow for now because we live in a world that  constantly has it. We as humans have no choice. Sorrow is inevitable.  Jesus reminds us in this passage that our Sorrow will turn into joy.  There will be a time when the anguish that we endure will be turned into joy.  A time where the person we love so much will be taken away from us that it causes our heart to break into a million pieces. Jesus was soon going to be taken away and he was preparing the disciples for what was to come.

We lose the ones we love so dearly, only to see them again.  I believe we will be reunited with our loved ones who have passed and that includes our four legged, furry pets. 

This passage gave me so much comfort this morning. 

Jesus was preparing his disciples for the day when he would no longer be with them. 

No longer would they talk, eat, sleep, walk and have fellowship with Jesus. 

No longer would their Best Friend be available to comfort them when needed.  

No longer would they hug each other, or hold hands and pray. Or most importantly, break bread together.

No longer will we hold Nibbler, comfort him when he's crying or tell him he's such a good boy.

No longer will we take him to the park and hold him so closely to us as we journey there.

No longer will we see our Best Friend on our couch, our bed, our more precious than ever, in our arms.

These things Jesus spoke of to remind us today that we are not alone. 

Even in our sorrow.

One day we'll meet again my dear old friend.

I love You Nibbler. 

Zach would take him to the park and carry him everywhere he needed to be since he could no longer walk. 

July 02, 2021

13 years loved and pampered. 

 

There hasn't been much running here lately. 

Rain, "Would you please go away?"

Well, "Come what may, I want to run."  The name of this blog. I created it in 2012 in the midst of my anxiousness, depression and a way to express my thoughts.  It began after I started homeschooling my kids. You will see past posts of my kids and the things we did when we homeschooled. You will also see my family. I thought about cleaning up the blog and taking down posts that maybe were a bit too uncomfortable for me now. People that are no longer in my life now and subject matter where I poured out my heart.  But what purpose would that serve?  When you see me now, I'm no longer the Jennifer who ran 10 miles twice a week, or the Jennifer that had to have every single homeschool subject down. I am no longer the Jennifer who is 120 pounds, size 4.  I am no longer the mother who made every food from scratch where I didn't even allow a canned item or boxed item on our food menu.  

And thats the beauty of this blog and our lives.  We change. We become a better version of ourselves overtime and we extend Grace to ourselves.  One of my biggest accomplishments over the years has been to forgive myself for not being that past Jennifer.  The one I just told you about and the one that you will see in this blog.  You will now see a new Jennifer who is continuing to run the race that God has set out before her.  

She's encountered many obstacles this past year.  In fact, we all have in some way.  

• What are the obstacles that you have encountered? 
• What has helped you to get through them?  
• What are some hobbies that keep you occupied?

I've noticed I'm doing more online shopping and scrolling through Facebook to keep my mind busy. 

And I've found that I have so much I want to share with you that I'm starting to write again.  

You will see random posts, just like my life is right now.  

Enjoy this video of some pretty amazing teens. 

The Linda Lindas

Until Next Time,

Stay Safe

Jennifer

Keeping Active During a Pandemic

Running is social distancing? 

Isn't it? 

David didn't think so. But then I had to remind him that social distancing has been my norm as long as I can remember.  I can say it all started when I became depressed, then it spilled on over into my postpartum depression. The only one person I ever met with once a week was my therapist. For 2 years she helped me navigate what I wanted my life to look like. Before that,  I worked 2 jobs. Well, lets be honest, I've always had two jobs. Sometimes I would take a break, but a break to me was staying at home and reading a book or running.  Social distancing has been my family's norm for over 16 years. We don't go to Saturday birthday parties. We don't have dates with friends unless it was school related like art. We don't even go to church because most of the days I had to work were on Sundays when every other nurse wanted to be off.  Holidays were always spent here at home. Just the 5 of us, and then DJ would come into the mix from his military leave.  

14 years of running provided me with all I ever wanted and needed.  

Lately its been difficult running. EVERYONE IS OUT!!!  Every time I'm out, I feel my heart sink, I smile and then I bolt into the highway like a mad women. My point is to avoid the oncoming person who is 15 feet away from me. That gives me enough time to react. 

When I ran on the highway, I almost got ran over twice with one being my husband when he ran a yellow light and almost hit me. I never knew I was in danger and later as I came home, he told me the news. So, Highway running was ruled out by the family as a "No, we will not allow you to run on the side of the highway and let you get hit."  Okay, they had a valid point. But now, I have no choice than to risk my life by running on the highway. 

Social distancing and running. Win. Win. Again. 

So, if you are like me and you need an outdoor outlet, you can keep your 6ft social distance and continue to get those endorphins.  I've had to stop doing things I would normally do while I ran, but I don't miss it. 

Here are some tips so you can continue to get your Vitamin D, endorphins and sanity back while enjoying a run, bike ride or walk. 

• Do not go into the gas station to get you a snack or a drink. I would always stop and take a bathroom selfie that I would rarely even post and then steal (I mean buy)  a cup of water from the fountain machine. Now come on, I'm only getting water. It should be free. 
• When at the stop light, do not push the signal button to cross. Use your feet, your elbows, but do not touch that filthy Corona infested button.
• Run, bike or walk by a local church and stand in front of the building and say a prayer for America. Say a prayer for me and all the nurses too.  We need protection. And I'm talking about both, God's spiritual protection and the worlds physical protection: Personal Protective Equipment, the kind of protection that keeps viruses off of us and everyone else.
• Try not to handle your phone. Create a playlist and stick with that. 
• If you are running or walking and there is someone 15 ft away from you, bolt to the side of the highway, of course look for oncoming traffic. Do not get hit. Please. For your family. Stay alive.  And then smile and look back at your confused, but you know he gets the point.  If you smile, its to say that during these times, you are not a A**hole. 
• Don't talk to your neighbor and all the millions of neighbors out trying to do the same thing you are. Just keep that 6 ft distance and smile and wave. You will have plenty of time after all this over to show them that you are in fact a decent human being by baking them some cookies. 
• When you come home, take off your shoes, leave them at the door. Immediately go in and wash your hands and then undress your sweaty clothes and hop in the shower. 
• If you are like me and you like to get some energy first before ingesting 20 pills, don't forget to take your Elderberry syrup. 
• Also, come home after you've exercised for 1 hour and 1/2 and have yourself a beer. You deserve it. Gluten-free of course and Austin East Ciders of course too. Oh, and the new one, Brut thats only 100 calories, 4 grams of carbohydrates and 2 grams of sugar. 

I hope you can find laughter in all this  and remember that I've been homeschooling my kiddos for over 12 years now, so when this pandemic is all over, please remember to check on me every once in awhile and send Tiffs Treats, preferably the mix. And hopefully when this is all over, my profession will be stronger and braver than ever. 

Homemade Shrimp tacos with organic flour tortillas. 

 At least I have some cute Lululemon 

gear to wear during my run!

Until Next Time, 

WASH YOUR HANDS.

STAY AT HOME. 

Jennifer 

I Cannot Stay at Home, I am a Nurse.

David says I'm a Hero. The President says I'm a Hero. 

I don't feel like a Hero. 

If you scroll down enough on your Facebook feed, you will see many posts about COVID19 also known as the Coronavirus. You will see posts from healthcare professionals requesting donations of masks. You will see memes, trying to lighten the situation. You will see others documenting their self quarantine. You will see pictures of bare grocery shelves. You will see posts from your neighborhood group about what grocery store has what in stock so you can hopefully feed your family for at least a week or two. 

You will see pictures of what others are doing with their idle hands; yoga, reading, drawing, or even baking. Some will create a blog or YouTube channel to share their experiences.  Some will use their talents to help others deal with the stress and fear that this has caused.

Some, like myself, will be at the front line battling. We won't have time to post how we feel. We won't let you see the sadness we feel or let you see the fear in our eyes. You will never see our pain as we struggle to get through our 12  or 16 hour shift without the necessary supplies needed to protect ourselves. You won't see the Post traumatic stress we will endure in a couple of months when this is all over. And will it be over? And if so, When? Will we get the help that we need? All over the world, Health care Professionals are the backbone of our healthcare. They are who we turn to when we are sick. They are the healers.  They are the wisdom we seek when we no longer know what is the truth. They are what we need when a Pandemic arises and we have no where to turn to but them.
We are obligated to take care of the healers.  And by taking care of the healers, we need to take this quarantine that was issued seriously so that we can decrease the number of people exposed/sick.
We need to continue to encourage each other to keep going, to keep pressing on in the midst of the chaos.  We need to come together, close our eyes and pray for this sickness to end. 

So, Please, 

STAY AT HOME.

WASH YOUR HANDS. 

You will remember these two sentences for the rest of your life. Simply because this will be recorded in the history books and we will look back at this and we will learn from this.

We will learn to Love strangers as our own family. 

We will learn to Sacrifice ourselves for another human being. 

We will learn that Rest is what rejuvenates our soul and that having a home to be quarantined to is a blessing.

We will learn how to make breads, cookies and stews.

We will learn that Reading can lower your heart rate and blood pressure.

We will learn how to Share with others when they are out of what they need to survive.

We will learn what a Hobby is and that Drawing, Painting and Sewing is for everyone.

We will learn that music is the gateway to the soul and that just simply being home, listening to records or playing a musical instrument can make our hearts leap with joy. 

We will learn to sit on the couch, or bed and watch movies till 1 in the morning. 

That watching all the Toy Story series brings back memories and you remember why you always cry at the end of Toy Story 3.

We will learn that sitting on your front porch will make you realize that you actually have neighbors and they do exist. 

We will learn that Zoom is not only for hight tech folks and that you can actually do a live class and learn something. 

That going to the gym is really not a need, and that we can all go outside and run, walk or bike for free. 

My friends, we will learn so much from this tragedy. We will learn to slow down and smell the beautiful roses in season. We will learn that life is so damn precious and that sitting in a room with my family present is priceless. 

Learn to be Still. 

Learn to Slow down.

Life will be there waiting for you, as it always is. 

We just need to see the beauty in it. 

David, my husband has been creating more.  This is his Instagram account. 

                                                      https://www.instagram.com/mexicanyetiart/

  We are all in this together. 

Until Next Time, 

Stay Safe

Jennifer 

Saturday was a Sweet Day to pick Strawberries

Sweet Berry Farm. Marble Falls, Texas

For years I obsessed with going to this sweet, little farm nestled in Marble Falls. Years passed. The desire to go lingered in my heart.  My Facebook feed would be filled with fellow homeschool families, co-op groups that made the trip every year.

STRAWBERRIES. SWEET STRAWBERRIES. 

When Emily was a baby she loved to eat strawberries.  Days later we would notice her cheeks were red and she would have a rash. She loved eating them and she didn't stop. The allergy soon went away and now a vibrant 15 year old, she can eat all the strawberries she wants without causing her a rash. Our fourth child Hazel would enjoy them as well but this little girl never developed an allergy or a rash to them so everyday since she was 6 months old I bought her a pint of strawberries. Every morning, afternoon and sometimes as a late night snack, Hazel would gobble them up.
Avocados, Strawberries and Bananas were her absolute favorite.

And so, I woke up one morning and decided to head out to Marble Falls. We went on a Saturday. There were heavy rains the days before and the day we went turned out to be a beautiful day to pick strawberries. Afterwards we ate at BlueBonnet Cafe.  Zach loves home cooked food. We even took a Lemon Meringue pie home.

Things to consider 

• If you have little ones, who like to jump and run, then pack an extra pair of clothes and shoes
• Wear Rain Boots!
• Dress Comfortably and maybe pack some extra clothes for yourself as well. 
• Go Hungry and pick a nice place to eat: Blue Bonnet Cafe Address: 5703, 211 US-281, Marble Falls, TX 78654 Phone: (830) 693-2344 Happy Hour is from 3pm-5pm and they have daily specials.          Bill's Burgers Address: 307 Main St, Marble Falls, TX 78654 Phone: (830) 201-4481
• Let your little one take the Train Ride: It only cost $4.00 and it will make the trip back home so much easier. 
• Get the Strawberry Smoothie!!
• Take back a souvenir:  We bought a fridge magnet. They have t-shirts as well. 
• Take plenty of pictures. Thankful for Zach who is my Photographer. 
• Take it slow when driving. The roads are winding. 
• Look out the window, put the phones away, enjoy looking out at nature. It's beautiful. 
• Check out their Facebook Page before heading out to get updates on the crops that are ready for picking. They also have Blueberries and Peaches when in Season.

                                                   Sweet Berry Farm Facebook Page

ALL PHOTOS TAKEN BY ZACHARY SALAS. 

Zachary Salas Photography
Click on Link

Until Next Time, 
Eat Organic, 
Eat Gluten-Free, 
Don't Eat the Animals!

Jennifer

Friday Family Day

"We've only been here for 30 minutes."  She then looked at me and concluded that the screaming, crying child named Hazel was tired and hungry.  No, I said, she wanted to come out and that's why we were here.  In my mind all I kept thinking was, "Please don't judge me." 
I then quickly paid for the items I was able to throw into my basket and out we both went. Hazel still crying. Me: I felt defeated. 

And maybe she was tired and hungry. But, aren't all 3 year olds always hungry and tired.

It's when you wake up and realize that 1) you need more sleep 2) if you don't get up and tend to the 3 year old who is jumping up and down on the bed and telling you constantly, "Good morning Mom!". Your husband will have a nervous breakdown and you will be left alone trying to care for this little, demanding human being.

Lately its been non-stop with Hazel. Sometimes I wish I could send her off to a daycare and get some rest. Sometimes I wish my Mom was here. Sometimes I wish that I was a stay at home mom and could handle all this energy she has.  But for REAL. Parenting is hard.  I never realized how hard it was until Hazel was born. She's the fourth child. 12 years apart from my last child, Emily. She's precious. She's smart. She saved us all and gave us a purpose in life.

Do not let her Die!

We had a nice breakfast at Casa Costa in Leander. My absolute favorite little quiet spot. If you haven't been, what are you waiting for? Free coffee refills, gluten-free quiche and the prettiest display of treats. Hazel got her own quiche and afterwards a chocolate chip cookie, which she managed to throw at Emily as we were on our way to the Bookstore. Poor Emily!

Afterwards, we tried to go Thrift Store shopping and after being in the store with a screaming, crying child for 30 minutes, it was time to go. 

Sometimes just going to the Bookstore makes the day much better.  

And Spending an hour at the park does it too.
And getting a hug from your 15 year old who tells you that you're a good mom. 

Hazel loves books!

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic, 

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Don't EAT THE ANIMALS, 

Jennifer

Family

Family.  

My word for the year has been Family. It all started with my son Dave. He made sure to be with us anytime he had the opportunity. 2 jobs and being a young kid in Austin never stopped him from being with us. My days off would consist of us going into Austin to spend a day with him. Snooze was my favorite place to be, and he made sure that I enjoyed every minute of the day we spent together. 

Family. 

That's what fed my soul.  

That's what kept me grounded. 

Dave and Hazel.

Every holiday, every birthday celebration, we were inseparable. Requests from work would be made so that I would have one full day of celebration with my family. Weeks before I would work an extra day or two so I could have enough money to spend on a nice dinner and some really cool gifts to give. Last year, we all crammed into grandmas's house to exchange gifts for Christmas. We bought a tree, put up decorations, and spent a little bit more money on gifts that year. We never worried about where we would lay our heads down that night or what we would eat. Well, I always worry about what we'll eat because I'm a foodie, but we had Family.  

Christmas has and always will be my favorite holiday. For the past 2 years that grandma and grandpa housed us, I dug deep down into the depths of my soul to find peace and contentment in what we were given. You see, we had no chimney of our own to hang stockings on. We had no desire to buy decorations or lights to shine on our home. We had no home.

First year hanging stocking in our new home. Christmas 2018.

Christmas was just another reminder for me that I failed, and that next year we would have to work harder to be able to celebrate Christmas in our own house. Christmas for me was joy and pain wrapped up in my heart. Every year I waited for Yeshua (Jesus, my deliverer) to unwrap that pain, replace it with joy, and let it pour out into my life, and the life of others that I was entrusted with caring for.

This year my healing continues. The depression is still there; it comes when joy wants to be unwrapped. It steals the little joy that I have in my heart and replaces it with pain. It comes as tears stream down my cheeks while I'm sewing Christmas stockings. It comes as I'm wrapping gifts that were bought with love.

Joy has not fully been unwrapped. It still hasn't arrived, but I'm praying it does tomorrow. I pray that it's filled with contentment and immense cheerfulness as I see the kids open up their gifts on Christmas day. And I pray it comes when I just sit and close my eyes and wrap myself in the loving arms of my Savior.

Yeshua, come near.

I miss DJ.  I miss Kat.

Hazel and Kat

Family:  The greatest gift you could ever receive. 

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic,

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer Salas

Christmas 2018

This must be the place

Today ends the long worn out week that I've had. It's the end and the beginning of something so beautiful that my heart aches.  They say that  fear of the unknown is human nature.  It's that same fear that takes a hold of us and forces us to continue the same old path that we've been accustomed to. My two fears in life have been Death and Life.  Death is inevitable. Everyone fears it. I almost made it there, but I'm excited to say that I have overcame death twice and that my goal is to stay alive. The second fear I have is Life. During the past two years I've feared life itself.  It's a constant struggle to live and I'm not talking about depression.  God healed me of my depression. I'm talking about the fear of not providing enough for my family:  a home, a place of rest is where I want to be.  

Home is where I want to be.  

It's also the place where you make memories. A place where you rest. A place where you build a family so strong that it conquers the world.  And even though we are in a temporary place, I feel that we are stronger because of our struggles.  Tomorrow will be the beginning of struggle to find peace in my profession. A new beginning into caring for others in a way that I wish others would have cared for me when I was suffering from my postpartum depression.  It's where I need to be.

Thursday will be a day that will also come too soon. A day that I will have etched in my heart with the memory of saying goodbye to my first born son. A day of mourning. A day of joy. A day that my son will face the same fear I have: fear of the unknown.  A  day he will proudly serve our country so that he can have a future. A day that I never knew would come. A day that comes too soon.  

But with new beginnings there's a certainty that always comes when we believe in our creator. It's the certainty of a God that promises to never leave us or forsake us. A God who takes that fear and slowly changes it into a strong faith that will sustain us throughout our course. 

Home is where I want to be.  

But I guess I'm already there

Corpus Christi. 2001

DJ,

I'm gonna miss you boy. I'm gonna miss that big smile of yours. The kind heart you have. The joy you bring.  I am so proud of you.  Thank you for being you.  Because without you I would fall apart.

Mom

Kat, 

You are the other half of DJ that we are going to miss so much. From the moment we met you, we knew that you belonged in our family.  We will see each other soon.  We love you. 

Jennifer

Bumblebee

I don't know if I have the energy to cry anymore. My coughing woke me up at 4 a.m., which then I spent an hour in the bathroom hacking up a lung. As a nurse and a mom of a 1 year old, the going never stops. I go until the pedal gets stuck and then I am forced to stop.  Moments like this make me thank God hundreds and hundreds of times for my life. So, as I forced myself to get up out of bed and find some normal routine, I turned on the children's station where Hazel and I listen to songs and sing along to classics such as "Monkeys on the Bed", "De Colores", and "Five Little Ducks."  One song came on and tears just started streaming down my already puffy, sick face.

Bumblebee
The lyrics as follows, 

I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee,
Won't my mommy be so proud of me,
I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee,
Ouch! It stung me!

I'm squishing up the baby bumblebee,
Won't my mommy be so proud of me,
I'm squishing up a baby bumblebee,
Ooh! It's yucky!

I'm wiping off the baby bumblebee,
Won't my mommy be so proud of me,
I'm wiping off the baby bumblebee,
Now my mommy won't be mad at me!

I pictured that cute little boy coming home from school showing me the motions of the song and having the biggest smile on his face. Tears began to flow as I remembered how small my first born son, Dave was. Small but he already owned a big smile. Zach always says that he always brightens up the room. David says the same. He brings life to every party. We need a day or two to prepare for his entrance and two days later we are filled with joy with all the excitement he brings to us. For his 21st birthday we had the pleasure to celebrate it with him and his girlfriend, Kat. There was plenty of food for us at Snooze and later on we enjoyed homemade fried chicken with all the fixings that I prepared.  On Thanksgiving day, he brought me a cup, but not just any old regular cup. It had the words Navy on it. He had prepared me the day before with his excitement on how he was officially going into the Navy. At that time I was still in shock. To be honest, I did not know what to say. He went on to tell me how he scored really high on his test and it placed him in a really good position: Aviation and Electronics, Electrical and Computer Systems Technician. I went on to tell him how I knew that I was going to be a Nurse because I also scored high on my exam. Something I knew nothing of.  

No one in my family was a nurse.

No one in our family has ever served in the military. 

My boy made a very wise decision. I am beyond proud of him. He told me that he didn't just want to spend the next years of his life being a server. He wanted so much more. And so much more is what he will find. He will find wisdom in the new places he visits, joy as well as pain, and He will find that this little boy who used to sing the Bumblebee song to me with so much joy will find much more joy in the world that he will pave for himself.

I love you with all my heart boy. 

Look at that face!!!

DJ and Kat

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic, 

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer

Every little thing is going to be alright.

It's the day before my birthday and I'm listening to Bob Marley's, "Three little birds."

Don't worry about a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing' don't worry about a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Tomorrow I will be 38 years old. Tomorrow I will celebrate another day of life. Tomorrow I will give God thanks for my healing and guiding me through all the tough, unbearable events in my life. One event that recently almost ended my life was Postpartum Depression.  In my previous blogs, I shared with you my experience with dealing with it and what has healed me. It's been a year and 4 months and I'm living a full and happy life. I have wanted to share more of my experience with it, but have not had the time or the energy to do so.  Today I will share with you my experience during my hospitalization. It's a long read, so sit back, grab some coffee. 

"Are you okay?" I looked up form my teared filled eyes and saw a woman looking a bit curious as to why I was crying. "Did something upset you?" I told her I was okay. Her response was a bit concerning as she said to me, "God Bless you."Three hours later I would sit in a professionals office with a doctor who looked exactly like the actor on the TV series, House. I would sit in his office and cry. No offer for a tissue. No, are you okay, and not even are you going to be okay? Instead I was told that I was a danger to myself and that I needed to be hospitalized. A frantic, "What?" spilled out of my mouth. More tears. I don't want to go to the hospital I said. What about my family? My new baby? No, I said. No, no, no. 

No matter how much I cried and pleaded, the decision was already made up in his mind. I was going to the loony bin. Lord, I cried out in my head, "How did this happen?"I pleaded one more time and then looked straight at him and asked, "What is wrong with me?"Well, you have Postpartum Depression. You have a plan to end your life and I feel that for your safety that you need to be hospitalized. 

There was nothing upsetting me, nothing that made me want to end my life. I just felt sad and the only solution in my head was to end my life. No matter how much I prayed, the thoughts overwhelmed me. They felt like a knife being jammed in my chest. It hurt to breathe. According to the laws and as my Psychologists duty to do no harm and protect me, it was my doctors legal obligation to send me to the hospital. If I had left that day and ran into traffic as I planned on doing, then he would have ruined my life as well as incurred many years of suffering for my family.  

I needed help. 

I was embarrassed that I was sick. I'm a Nurse. We don't get sick. We fight for our patients. We nurse them back to health. We are advocates for them. I was pleading for my life and I was afraid that it was in my hands and I wanted to end it. 

First of all, no one is immune to anything. Postpartum depression happened to me.  The nurses showed no compassion for me. I'm stating this because I don't know how they treat others, but I was never asked if I was okay. A simple, "How are you?" "Are you okay?" or a simple "Good Morning?" would have meant the world to me.  I hadn't bathed in 2 days because they never gave me toiletries. I wore the same clothes for what seemed like eternity to me, but I managed to get along with my roommate and she kindly offered me some soap and shampoo.  Having a bath after 2 days felt like heaven and I could feel my soul slowly come back to life. We all were herded up like cattle at 8am so we could take our medication. Not once was I informed of what I was taking or counseled on the side effects.  Medication was another glimpse of hope. Even if it didn't help, I told myself I was going to get out of there. 

"I'm not that sick." I'm not psychotic." Self talk. I needed that every minute of the day. I'm sure all the other Schizophrenic, Bipolar patients felt the same way I did. We never think we are sick. We walk around with pain. Some try to self medicate and end up far more worse. Some just try to put on the biggest smile thinking it will cover up what's inside. We are all hurting in some way. We just find ways to heal ourselves.  I think I might have been the only one suffering from Postpartum depression.  I needed to pump and I was taken into a room with full view windows and no blanket.I felt cold, exposed as tears ran down my face. "I can't do this." I'm going to quit breastfeeding Hazel. I cried even more. During my initial assessment when I was admitted I was told to take off my clothes and leave my bra and panties on. Inside I felt like screaming. Inside I felt like saying, "You are nurses, I'm a nurse too, bring me a fucking gown to cover my exposed skin. Nothing but coldness filled my body. I stood there numb. Speechless. I looked down at my protruding belly as they lifted it up to see my c-section.Cold hands touched my body.
Cold hearts. 

Now I wonder if those nurses who worked there were just stressed or was it that they really didn't know how to take care of those who are hurting. In nursing, it's easy to take care of a patient who is happy, pleasant and knowledgeable about his/her care. The hurting are messy. They look like a mess. They feel like a mess. They don't know what to say or they stay silent, screaming at the top of their lungs, some are heard, others are not. When I was discharged, the nurse slid an envelope on the counter and said, "your prescriptions are in there as well." Confusion again consumed me. Hurt. Anger. No one wished me well or offered a crisis number if I needed it. Did they know I was a Nurse and that I could figure it out myself? How many people did they do this to? Maybe it was just me. As I left the unit, I ran (I literally ran out) out the door and was greeted by my wonderful husband and kids. Hazel was in her car seat and when I looked at her I wanted to live. I felt free. I felt alive. And when I got home, grandpa cooked pork ribs with potato salad. I finally arrived.Update:  I've been medication free for over a year now. I take a combination of vitamin b-12 and l methyfolate supplement. I did a combination of this and weekly therapy sessions for over a year. I also run daily and do Yoga 3 times a week.  This combination has helped me. And I do believe in the power of prayer. I prayed for healing and God healed me. 

Postpartum depression:

According to the Centers for Disease Control, 11 to 20% of women who give birth each year have postpartum depression symptoms. If you settled on an average of 15% of four million live births in the US annually, this would mean approximately 600,000 women get PPD each year in the United States alone.

If you or someone you know is suffering, please seek help. Call 911 if you have to. Just get help, please. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Postpartum Support

http://www.postpartum.net/locations/texas/

Postpartum Resources

http://www.1800ppdmoms.org/

Until Next Time, 

Eat Organic, 

Eat Gluten-Free, 

Jennifer